I paid off 40K worth of credit debt

A year after we married I paid off 40K worth of credit debt (I also paid for the wedding/honeymoon expenses, which were 13K). But, I figured, if the debts were gone then we were starting with a clean slate. He assured me that it wouldn’t happen again. I pressed him, multiple times, to sit down with me and formulate a budget, but he was very resistant and said it wouldn’t work since expenses varied from month to month. I would draft and then type up budgets for his consideration. I took him at his word and trusted him to keep things under control. I asked him pointedly, many times, how we were doing, could we afford this, or that, and he always said yes, we could.

(He is similarly resistant about going to the Dr. or the Dentist, which drives me crazy as he is 46 and has two minor dependents and really should be looking after himself.)

In the interim, we had two children (now 6 and 4). Our 6 year old is disabled (autistic) and at about a 1-year level of functioning. Our four-year old is developing typically.

Then I investigated a first-time homebuyers program and I found out that he had grossly underestimated our actual level of debt. I believed it to be about 9K (tax debt which was being paid off) but it was in actuality, higher than that. I was very hurt and felt betrayed and angry, but extracting information from him was that difficult.

We don’t go out. I subscribe to one magazine. We don’t eat out. Most of my clothes are second-hand and the boys clothes are mainly birthday/Christmas gifts from relatives.

My husband’s income is 60K, take-home is about 40K. Our rent is $1425. The car will be paid off in October. We have basic telephone service, no extras. We don’t belong to any movie or book clubs. We don’t have club memberships and we don’t donate to charities.

I do want to cut out the cable and go back to a dial-up service but the (multiple) times I have brought this up my husband tries to tell me that I am trying to punish him.

Believe me, I do want to be on the same page and I would really prefer, at this point, if I were in charge of budgeting and household expenditures.

One thing I am doing is selling my books on Half

I am not familiar with the terms pro-rata plan or debt snowball by Dave Ramsey (here is the link to his website)

I would say that I am fairly religious. I have prayed about this. I had hoped to preserve these savings for a trust fund for our disabled son or for my other son’s education or for our retirement. I feel very strongly that we should live within our income and I do feel very resentful and angry (sometimes) that my husband did not tell me what was going on. Even when I did ask about things he would not disclose the information.

I truly want things to work out for us but I cannot give him 15-20K every couple of years because he is reluctant to change when I have always been ready to make the changes necessary to live within our income.